29

Kissing 29 goodbye tomorrow (actually today). Yesterday was day 29. After working I went to pick up my grandmother who is only in town a little while longer. I know it's been extremely hard on her and everyone dealing with the death of my aunt Marie. Though I didn't know her extremely well, it's always the loved ones that are left behind that we grieve for and with. And again it makes me so thankful for every single day ... all the little stuff we all take for granted.

So, my grandmother treated me, my sis and my mom to dinner for my birthday. Then they dragged me 2 a place that I NEVER go ... ROSS. Grandma needed a brand new hat.

The funny thing is as soon as I walk in I hear somebody say, "SATURN!" That was way cool.

I know my ass is getting old cuz I'm STILL recovering from this weekend ... they always said the older U get the more sleep U need. Well, sleeping HAS always been one of my favorite things 2 do (right, Brian?) Sometimes it would be nice 2 not sleep alone though, but I can dream I have a hot naked man beside me and then not have 2 deal with the drama when I wake up! Sounds like a plan!

"I'll see U tonight in all my dreams." - Prince, All My Dreams

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Days 25 - 28

U know, it's really hard 2 post on the regular, ESPECIALLY when U got a lot of shit going on. Nothing really noteworthy except that I washed my car:

and those that know me know how noteworthy that actually is, I almost choked on rock in my Mexican food in Salisbury, MD, and I got drunk and drunk again. Dan is a bad bad man ... he makes me do things I say I don't wanna (but that I really want 2 do):


All I have 2 say is thank God we didn't go the Lizard Lounge! I wouldn't have made in into work the next morning, no friggin' way!

Got the final mix back yesterday 4 Adonis. Love it. Can't wait 4 U 2 hear it!

"I think I'll follow my heart, it's a very good place 2 start." - Madonna, Sky Fits Heaven

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What Love Is ...

I just LOVE this!

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could haveimagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint hertoenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6"

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.My Mommy and D addy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friendwho you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are stillfriends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody .You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt" Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her oldclothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little starscome out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

"One man come in the name of love," - U2, Pride

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The 24th Day

Day 22 - watched "Click". Funny little movie about how we really need to appreciate all the little things. Just like in music, it's the minutia in life that make it so wonderful.

Day 23 - discovered I have a mild form of Rosacia. (thanks, sis!) I've always wondered why I get so red on my cheekbones and my skin gets so dry. I also found out that alcohol is a trigger for me. When I go a few days without drinking, my skin clears right up. So, if u see me and my cheeks are red, u can bet I've had a few recently!

The 24th Day ---

1. Hit myself in the face with my bedroom door. Cold-clocked. Great way 2 start the day.

2. Got blown off (as in stood up ... not blown!) 4 one of my appointments for work.

3. Picked my car up from the shop ... $721. That hurt a helluva lot worse than the fucking door this morning. Then on top of that I got 2 Christina Aguilera concert tickets. I hope I can find somebody to sell one to who wants 2 go with me ... either that or find a really hot date 2 go with me who puts out. I have til April.

4. Remembered 4 the gazillionth time what the most important and beautiful thing in my life is and what a complete wreck of a human being I'd be if anything ever happened 2 her ... my mom.

5. Listened 2 my song "Adonis" 20 times listening for things to change in the mix before I put it online next week. While doing this I also wrote out a plan of action for the next 6 months regarding my music career. So much 2 do and never enough time.

6. Watched Smallville - incredible episode. Personally, I'd like 2 see a Clark Kent/Saturn/Oliver Queen gay subplot that ends in a fuck-a-thon, but somehow I don't think the CW would go 4 it.

7. Went 2 my buddy Tim Kaye's house to watch the Musicology Tour DVD and afterwards I fucked a teenage mutant ninja turtle ...



While Tim, his brother and their little puppy, Sam, watched ...

On a serious tip, I got some really bad news tonight. Some truly horrible awful awful news ... I'll get more into that tomorrow. Right now, I'm going 2 get some shut eye.

"News guy wept and told us earth was really dying." - David Bowie, Five Years

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Day Twenty-one

The highlight of my day today by far was helping my mom place an online personal ad. She's never had one before and I've been promising to help for a few weeks now, so I finally sat down and did it. OMG, I haven't laughed that hard in a REALLY long time! My mom is just the cutest, funniest, most adorable little person (she's 5'1") U could ever meet. I think we did a good job basically capturing her essence in the ad though, which is very hard 2 do.

I don't care what happens, in my mind no man is good enough 4 my mom. She hasn't had a man worthy of her yet. So, I hope it does work 4 her, but my own personal experience with personal ads online is that they DON'T WORK! I remember 2 - 3 years ago, before I met that little blonde heartbreaker, I had an ad up on match.com. I did the whole 7 day free trial thing. I swear I sent like 25 emails and maybe got 1 response! I was over it from then on. HOPEFULLY, though, my mom's experience will be quite different She deserves somebody who's gonna love her and treat her right. So, time shall tell!

I haven't been to the gym now in about 8 weeks because of my lower back. It's stopped hurting now, but I haven't gone out of fear of re-injuring it a FOURTH time this year. Well, wouldn't ya know it, I don't know what I did, probably from unpacking the storage closet yesterday, but now my fucking upper back is hurting, right under my left shoulder blade, piercing pain everytime I move my arm or somebody touches me. Why the fuck am I so frail? If I'm going to get injured just doing menial tasks, then I might as well start working out again so that I can least keep a little definition. I wish I knew the secret of physical strength, cuz apparently I'm missing it!

I've been thinking a lot about what to do 4 my birthday since it's rapidly approaching. I've had several friends recently do dinner, do a party, do the club/bar scene ... not sure what I want to do. I'd like to get a group of people together but it's kind of short notice now ... plus I have this fear ... kind of like when I put on a show ... that nobody would show up. Which is ridiculous cuz I DO know a lot of people ... but I did have a show last year where only 10 people came ... that was just embarassing. I don't know ... I'll probably do what I always do which is basically nothing. My mom always takes me out though and that's a good time.

The original plan was to have a CD release party on my birthday this year. Funny how plans can change, right? Well, at least I have my new single release ... don't forget to stop by MySpace that day (Oct. 26) and check it out!

"Who's the man with the master plan?" - who the hell sang this rap song and what was it called?

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Days Eighteen through Twenty

A tragedy always seems to bring family together. When I was on the plane coming home late Thursday night, I got a call from my Grandmother that she was in town. My grand-aunt Marie was on life support. It appeared she was losing her longtime battle with cancer so my grandmother came with her sister and niece and nephew and sure more will be on the way. I always hold out 4 hope, but it's not looking too great.

Saturday I spent some time with my grandmom and mom and sis and aunt T - we went 2 lunch (and had the gayest waiter on earth! My grandmother said he had a "swish" - 2 funny, fucking excellent service though) and went to visit some new Baltimore transplants in the family - my uncle Willy and Aunt Kitty. Willy is 90 years old and still has a youthful fire and spark that rivals any 20 year olds! Absolutely amazing!

Me, my uncle Willy and aunt Kitty

My whole world ... mom and sis

When I was ten, my grandmother died of cancer. She was only freshly 48. I don't remember a lot from my childhood oddly enough, but that time of my life I have certain memories that are extremely vivid. I can recall her funeral so clearly ... visiting her in Sinai when she was sick ... the smell of that place ... that uneasiness ... the mother of 7 kids and absolutely beloved by everyone that knew her ... it seemed like everyone's world was being ripped apart ... including mine. That's the last death I've experienced of someone close to me, thank God! My grandfather died a couple of years ago and it was so sad, of course, but we just weren't that close. My heart goes out to my grandmother's brother and his family and everything they must be going through. I simply can't imagine what it would feel like today to lose someone close to me. I am so incredibly blessed. I know we all gotta go someday, but that's why I want so feverishly to enjoy life as much as I possibly can. That's what this 30 day countdown to 30 was supposed to exemplify in a roundabout way, but I feel like I've been failing. One thing it's definitely shown me is just how much time I waste! It's amazing. If anything I'll learn 2 manage time better. But it's always the little stuff I don't write about that sometimes is so much more meaningful.

One thing I can definitely start managing my time better with is my business which has suffered from my neglect of late. I got a little reminder of this when I went to my friends' Adam and Denyse's housewarming late on Saturday. They are 2 of my business partners and they have been extremely successful and are some of my role models in the business. Adam is actually younger than me, but he's been doing it for three years and I've just completed my first. I can definitely see things happening which is great ... can't wait 4 that next $900 check to come in ... sure will come in handy now!

The pregnant happy couple w/daughter

The key is to do a little bit, 30 minutes work, every day and I know that ... sometimes I just don't do it, LOL. If you're reading this and still don't know what business I'm referring to, send me a note and I'll happily tell u all about it cuz anyone with a beating heart and a mouth can do it, brain is only half necessary, ambition is the most important ingredient.

So, on Sunday I basically wasted another day. I spent 3 hours unpacking the storage closet so I can pull out my winter clothes since it's starting to get cold. I have a LOT of fucking sweaters! My room is nowhere big enough to hold all my clothes ... yet ANOTHER reason I know I'm a card-carrying rainbow boy!

"We're celebrating no more drama in our lives." - Mary J. Blige, Family Affair

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Days Fourteen through Seventeen

I was initially excited about going 2 Atlanta ... not because of the three days of classes I had 2 sit through, but because I was going 2 go party in a new town. Couldn't wait 2 meet some Hotlanta boys. Well, imagine my surprise when I found out that our hotel was a good 30 minute drive from civilization! I'm talking $40 in a cab, one way. Not only that, I didn't have internet. And I really couldn't go party with my co-workers, as cool as they are. Don't know how they feel about the whole gay thing yet, I'm still discovering that one.

Anyhoo, the Atlanta airport is fucking HUGE. On our trek to claim our baggage, we passed this fantastic African Art exhibit. Not the kind of thing U'd expect 2 see in an airport. My camera was packed away unfortunately or else I'd have taken tons of pics.

The classes were actually really good. I definitely learned a lot and will be able to do my job a lot better now, which in turn means I will make more money. Yay for me, only it's still not something that I love ... however, it's ok. I don't mind it so much. I can do this for awhile.

The only thing near our hotel was Ruby Tuesdays. Needless 2 say they saw a lot of us!

Met this really cool chick at the class named Kenya who was an Atlanta native. She offered to take me into the city to show me around. I just wanted to go to the gay bars, but what could I say? So, we hopped on "the Marta" and she took me to a place called the Underground. S-H-A-D-Y! It was basically deserted except for the occasional lurkers who looked like they were scoping u out. When we finally found civilization, I thought we'd lucked out. There seemed to be a lot of people all hanging out in this huge park in the middle of downtown. I thought something may have been going on later. I asked her, "what are all those people out for? What's going on tonight?" She looked at me and tried not 2 laugh and said, "They're homeless!" Damn, Gina! I wanna go back home!

So, we eventually found a bar, had a nice little drink/chat and went on back out to the hotel. I was tired and read' 2 go by then anyway.

The next night I'd had it. I didn't care that it cost me $80. I got a cab and I went 2 a place called Blakes on the Park. As soon as I walked in I felt like I was at home! Why are all gay bars anywhere U go basically the same? It could have been Central Station ... only the guys were cuter and it was more crowded for a Wed. night. I sat alone, happy as can be and didn't talk 2 anyone. Finally, some nice guy started talking to me. It was his birthday. He introduced me 2 everyone, and I mean he knew EVERYONE ... even the woman who was a drag queen who was a Janet Jackson impersonator ... and I got drunk. Good times. Well, it was good times til I started talking to this guy at the bar who's Dad was dying. Damn, he laid it on me. I'm a very empathetic person so I felt really bad 4 him. I HAD 2 drink more.

The guy who's name I unfortunately can't remember now, offered 2 take me 2 some other bars, but it was late and I was drunk and had to be up for another long day of training in 5 hours, so I hopped in the cab and sped back to the hotel. Yes, I believe I slept 4 the whole ride.

The next day was by far the longest day of them all. Class seemed to go on 4ever, we went straight 2 the airport, hung out there for about 4 or 5 hours ... by the time I got home it was almost ten. I ate some din din and passed the fuck out.

Atlanta was not the "Hotlanta" I had hoped 4 ... but I'm sure it will be cuz next time I go, it won't be on business!

"Is that your car? The SK-8? R U riding alone? Can I be your date?" - Missy Elliot, Hot Boys

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Days Eleven through Thirteen

Sorry 4 the lapse, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I was away on business in Atlanta and they didn't have an internet connection in my room ... well, they did, but U had 2 pay $10 a day. I was having none of that.

So, backing up to last Friday, I went with my sis on opening night 2 see The Departed. Loved it. Leo's best work in my opinion. Jack was fantastic and I'd still love to have Matt's u know what in my u know where. With Mark in the other u know where. ,Hey, I'm allowed 2 dream, right? Anyhoo, the only part I didn't like about the movie were all the fucking annoying ass people who were around me in the theatre, especially that smelly ass chick 2 my left who had the nerve to answer her cell phone mid-movie. WTF?

So, Saturday night was my friend Gordon's birthday and I went down to DC 2 celebrate with him. Oh my goodness, a whole lot of drunken fun was had! I don't know how many I had, but as U can tell, it was quite a bit. The funniest part is I was probably the most sober at the end of the night. My fave memory? 3 am Spaghetti and a boiling toe ... I'll say nothing else. Here are some pics:

Me and the Birthday Boy

Just Hitched - me and Rob, aka Boiling Toe

Someone's sad cuz he didn't have his glowstick ...

Luckily I found it 4 him!

We danced with no pants!

Someone was drunk on the subway ride home!

The next day? I dunno, I went home the next morning and got out of bed around 1 or 2. The rest of the day was pretty much wasted as I prepared for my trip 2 Atlanta. More about Atlanta in just a bit ...

"2night I'm gonna party like it's 1999!" - Prince, 1999

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Days Nine and Ten

What happened 2 the pics 4 the last 2 days??? Wasn't nuttin' 2 take a pic of. All I did basically was go to work and watch the boob tube. Is this really how I wanna spend the last days of my twenties? What the hell!

That's ok, this weekend I have some cool plans and then I get to fly 2 Atlanta next week. That'll make up 4 it.

Though little fun was had, I DID manage 2 learn 2 valuable lessons these past coupla days.

1. I need a better system of getting shit done. What happens is I have these overwhelming goals that seem unattainable when viewed from the bottom of the mountain. I'm a logical, plan following kind of person ... so I need 2 develop daily plans of action for myself, things that R actually feasable, and attack them every single day. One foot in front of the other as they say. This will become my work in progress 4 the next few days.

2. Respect truly is something that is earned ... even from yourself.

"R.E.S.P.E.CT. ... find out what it means 2 me." - Aretha Franklin, Respect

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Day Eight

So, how did I spend three hours of my day today? Like this:

I'm SO glad I only have to go into the office and deal with rush hour traffic one day a week, because if I had to do this everyday it would be like watching 15 hours of my life weekly just roll by ... literally.

And how did I spend the other hours of my day today? Working, working, working. No fun at all. BUT I do have Atlanta to look forward to next week. I've never been. Even though it's going to be for my job, I intend 2 have a very fucking good time when class lets out. I have to share a room with one of my co-workers. I wonder if he's figured out I'm gay yet? Who the hell am I kidding? OF COURSE he has! I even have a fucking rainbow colored grin!

"I suck so much dick it's ridiculous!" - Soce, Sucking Dick

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Day Seven

$519,ooo for this little ass house in Baltimore city???? R U kidding? That's half a million dollars! So, I went strolling through some neighborhoods that my agent sent me on with houses that I could actually afford ... I am so sorry, but I am NOT living in the hood! I'm beginning to think the only way I'm going to own a house is if I leave Baltimore, seriously. It's just gotten way too ridiculous up here. Old run down townhomes that three years ago would have appraised for $70K are now appraising upwards of $180K. If I'm going to spend that much money, it's gonna be for something nice and that DOESN'T need a lot of work, like a lot these older homes do. My color of the day - frustrated. I might be in an apt. for a little while yet.

BUT my color of the day turned to happy later on when I finished recording the additional percussion and stuff for "Midnight." Add in some rain, windchimes, some indian drums and a few more keys and presto ...

Now my full attention is to going 2 be on prepping my new single "Adonis" for my birthday release. I hope people like it ... well that goes without saying, huh? I'm getting those pre-lease unreasonable fears I always get that nothing I've done is good enough and I'm ready 2 just jump into my next project to try and do something better. The only upside to that is I think I DO actually keep better and better. This new release is going 2 be ... 4 lack of a better word ... different. I'm so ready 2 go record some kick ass new r&b/pop stuff now though ... I got that itch. If only I could record as much as I write ...

And if everybody goes "EWWW" 2 Adonis? Hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

"I won't put my hands up in surrender. There will be no white flag above my door." - Dido, White Flag

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Day Six

So, the Ravens won their 4th game in a row today and I was there in the final minutes!!! Yeah, there at the bar plastered out of my mind. My friend does it to me everytime. Mind U, I'm not a football fan, but the energy of other football fans can be contagiouis.

Baltimore is truly small ... I'm sitting there at the bar of this restaurant, THE restaurant I always go to to get plastered, and in walks Pat, the man who engineered "Deviant" and whose studio I recorded at. I hadn't seen him in months, so it was good to see him, plus I had been meaning to call him cuz I wanna get back in the studio. Talk about perfect timing! It's time 4 me 2 get back in there and bring MY sexy back, damnit.

Not much happened today. Got drunk, slept it off, watched TV ... yes I wasted my day, but damnit I enjoyed it!

"Enjoy the silence..." - Depeche Mode, Enjoy the Silence

Day Five

Yesterday evening at dinner with my family, my mom asked me the same question she asked me every year, "So, what do you want 4 your birthday?" I jokingly, replied "World Peace." Though that would be a nice birthday gift, I don't think I'm that important.

I didn't know how 2 answer her though. I want the same things I've always wanted. It's funny, but it seems like the older I get, the less value I place on material things and the things that I truly want seem to get just a little bit farther out of reach. So, in all honesty, just as long as my mom and my sis are here to celebrate it with me for another year, I'll be one blessed, happy little soul.

Now as to what I'm actually going to do come that time, I've no idea. I was going to throw a party cuz I intended to have my own house by that time, but that process is going much slower than I had hoped. House hunting takes a long time, huh? So, now ... I don't know. Probably just call up some friends and go down 2 the local gay bar.

Speaking of the local gay bar, guess where I ended up last night? Try as I did to do something different, to go someplace other than the local gay bar on a Saturday night, that's exactly where I ended up! At least next weekend I know I'll be in DC for a friend's birthday.

Well, last night at the local bar I drank, I laughed, I admired pretty boys and I witnessed a fight between 2 gay guys. Drama! All in all, a relaxing kind of fun was had ... well, relaxing up until the drama, but even that wasn't too bad.

My el cheapo Wal-Mart camera lost all battery life yesterday, so I didn't get any good pics, but looky here ... I happen to have one of me and Kel from the previous night, and Kel is who I spent most of last night chatting it up with ... GO HEAD, GET ON IT! Ain't he just precious...



"One lie tells the greatest story ever told." - Kelly Osbourne, One Word

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